My plans for hosting our family for the holiday were canceled due to this untimely arrival of the flu. It spread through our entire family and this Mama is the last one to rise from the ashes of this terrible bout of shared illness.

Sidenote: The bounce back these kids have is wild! They were only down 1-2 days then back like nothing ever happened! I don’t understand. They don’t even eat their vegetables good!

The first several days were absolutely miserable but about 3 days ago, I at least was able to start concentrating on things again, even though I couldn’t physically do much, I at least could watch a show or movie with the family. Yesterday, I even took some time to read.

Yesterday I told myself, “today is going to be the last day I let myself rest.”

Today I woke up and realized my mind doesn’t always know what my body will need.

Yesterday’s assured declaration, “Tomorrow I will rise!” became a prayer of lament today, “Father! Please, I’m ready to get up!”

But the truth is, no matter how bad I want it, my body isn’t physically stable yet.

It is improving, but I’m not quite back yet.

Whenever I get into a situation where I feel like, “man this sucks” or “this is the worse,” I do my best to step outside of myself and either think about a story in scripture or a situation in real life that actually is worse.

Because often, a change in perspective is really all we need.

Looking Outside Myself

While doom scrolling last night, I ran across a video of a University of North Carolina basketball player who was in a car accident with friends. This car accident resulted in a spinal injury for this once, college athlete. His video showed his former glory and athleticism, juxtaposed his current reality— wheelchair bound, extreme muscle atrophy, too weak to lift with two hands what he could once left with a single finger.

This is tragic.

I watched the video at least three times trying to imagine the pain, disappointment, shock, frustration, sadness and all the other emotions he has probably felt since his life changed so drastically in an instance.

In the mix of these emotions, I’m sure there’s also gratitude and guilt because everyone didn’t survive the crash.

What a weight to carry at such a young, promising age.

I think about another story, one much closer to home for us. Our yard guy’s sister, a high school cheerleader suffered an injury that has recently left her paralyzed. Perfectly healthy to paralyzed in high school!

There are other stories that are coming to mind as well like Mickey, the Big Brother TV Show star who had the flu recently then passed away due to heart complications that happened after.

That is tragic.

Now right about now, one would expect me to move to the Bible to share a story, which I considered cause I did read about a miracle in Luke yesterday where a man was sick for 18 years and Jesus healed him on the Sabbath. And I could break that story down and feel this post with hope that Jesus still does miracles, but I don’t want to spiritually bypass to some hope-filled conclusion after sharing those really, sad stories.

They don’t fill like hope is on the horizon at all…

Two young people’s lives will never be the same and two others are gone. Their families are left here mourning the futures they will never see for their children.

Now I’m not asking or expecting you to mourn for these strangers, but I do think we can take away two things from this:

1. Empathy

2. Expectancy

Empathy:

I used to feel bad for not feeling bad when I heard tragic stories. I would say, “man, that’s sad", then continue moving about my day. We have experienced so much collective trauma that we often numb ourselves with simple things like mindless tv shows, social media scrolling, dumb YouTube videos….we are tired of grieving.

So we numb ourselves to survive. We don’t dwell in the darkness too long, because truth be told, we’re actually already in it but these screens bring in jussst enough light to make us forget the surrounding darkness we’re in.

The truth is, we aren’t supposed to know this much. I’m not supposed to know about the student in North Carolina. I live in Texas and we have no mutual friends or associates! But technology has made everyone our neighbor and when we try to process the tragedies of the world, we quickly find that we can’t.

We turn numb.

Then we think something is wrong with us for not caring.

The issue is, we weren’t built to know and carry this much.

I think we’re most healthy if we focus on being aware and meeting the needs of those in our personal sphere of life. Then after that, if we have more capacity, we can extend compassion further.

But to keep up with the tragedies of this world and to then carry a sense of responsibility to care, cry, mourn, do something nearly every time…there’s no humanly possible way.

Show up for your people.

That’s the point.

Over the course of these weeks we’ve been down with the flu, we’ve had multiple people drop off homemade meals, drinks, Kleenex, groceries…our needs have been met in the most beautiful ways because the people in our life showed up.

We didn’t live too far that it was a great inconvenience for them to drop something by, we are in community together.

Showing up and meeting needs is one of the best ways to respond with empathy.

It’s Personal.

Tangible.

Actionable.

And it’s towards someone you know and can get to.

Expectancy:

At this point in life, we should have an expectancy that at some point, something is going to go down that we don’t prefer or enjoy.

When that thing comes, we should expect to need help.

And since we can expect to need help, we should go ahead and prepare for those moments by having the best time building the best friendships possible.

The time to build community is not in the middle of a storm or after tragedy hits. The time to build community is when the sun is shining, when the birthday parties are happening, when your favorite football team is playing…we have to do a better job of sharing the good times with each other.

Joy is meant to be shared and it even doubles when it’s shared!

Invite people to your kid’s sports games, have people over to watch a movie or a game, kick it while it’s daylight cause eventually the night will come and you aren’t going to have it in you to cultivate friendships in the dark.

I know I’m just coming out of the flu, but I’ve been in darker times and our people showed up because we invested more in the daylight then we needed to withdraw in the dark.

That is the only way we get through the hills and valleys of this life, we have to do it together.

Conclusion:

This was a long and slightly heavy brain dump, but I needed to get it out. I’m not even going back to edit Lol

If you read it, thank you— I hope it was helpful in some way to you.

Clearly I just needed to process but anyway, I’m going to leave a video of a song that’s really been helping me while I wait. It’s by my favorite band, Red Hands and the song is called, “No Rush.”

I love every version of the song, but here’s one they did in collaboration with Faith City Music.

Be encouraged and find your people!

Let’s Discuss:

• Where in your life are you trying to rush what still needs time?

• What does your body know right now that your mind keeps arguing with?

• Are you investing in community while life feels light?

Hey Ya’ll, I’m introducing a new type of writing— I’ve realized some things don’t require a full independent post so welcome to Free Flow Friday! A place for me to share short thoughts in newsletter form. A culmination of little thoughts that have come up throughout the week.

Free Flow Friday will release on Saturday :) I’m not committing to every Saturday, but my intention is to collect my thoughts throughout the week and when I have enough written to release, I’ll publish what’s been accumulated on the upcoming Saturday.

Here’s what you’ll find in this inaugural edition of Free Flow Friday:

• This Week’s Wisdom: The very reasons you think [God] should depart are the very reasons he tells you to come.

• My husband wants to start a podcast, here’s what I think…

• Six years in, I think I’m starting to get a better understanding of parenting…keyword: starting

• It’s better to attend a funeral than a party (Eccl. 7:2), I definitely see why. The one I attended this week shook my world and blessed my life.

• If I Were a DJ: What’s in my current music rotation? See who takes the lead this week.

• Pod of the Week: Omar Eltakrori has one of my favorite podcasts. This week I’ve been making my way through this particular episode that’s been a great wake up call as a business owner who believes in Jesus

This Week’s Wisdom

Jesus has come to call sinners out of the darkness and into the light. He came—and still comes—for the hiding and the fearful, the ashamed and the sinful. Do not be afraid…Don’t walk—flee—to the refuge of his mercy tree. The very reasons you think he should depart are the very reasons he tells you to come.

From Why We Must Face Our Sinful Selves by Mitchell L. Chase, preacher, author, associate professor of biblical studies at the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary.

I had a conversation with a friend this week, beating myself up about how I feel like I’ve been distracted and missing the mark lately, striving to put things together by my own might and wisdom. I knew I was overdue for some unhurried time with Jesus.

I finally got some. It came in the form of reading two articles that landed in my email inbox from Crossway. Both articles dealt with the topics of sin. The first was called Don’t Get Caught Dead in Church. I was particularly interested in this one because it referenced the book of Acts and the women at our church are about to study the book of Acts.

I wasn’t prepared for the journey that article took me on, but I’m grateful for it. That article led me to the next one (quoted above) and both led me to some good unhurried time of honest confession, crying, and then comfort with the Father.

Sitting with the heightened realization of my own sin, then being comforted by reading stories in the gospel of Jesus’ compassion and faithfulness?!?…Yoooo! I’m DONE.

God is the best and I’m so grateful his mercies are new every morning…or night if you’re a night owl like me :)

My Husband Wants to Start a Podcast

Here’s what I think…

This finna be a LOTTA work!

I told him, “sure.”

We have no plans, just random ideas based on conversations we have privately all the time.

I’m thinking we should take it slow cause consistent content is not for the weak! I made it all of what, 12 weeks straight with my YouTube channel then fell off the face of the earth over there.

It was too much! And that was with me having brainstormed over 60 topics I wanted to cover before I launched with that ambitious weekly goal!

I’ll report back once we get more details around it, but for now, just know I’m processing the fact he wants to do this. *Sigh*

Parenting Revelations Six Years In

Six years in, I think I’m starting to get a better understanding of parenting…keyword: starting.

The intentionality this job requires? Myyyy goodness. Thankfully our firstborn is a true firstborn. He’s let me know along the way when it’s time for him to learn something new.

“Mommy, I want to learn how to read,” he told me while in pre-k.

Last Christmas he told us he wanted to learn to play the piano.

This summer he told me us wants to start a bracelet business, learn to ride a bike and learn to tie his shoes before first grade.

I didn’t realize we were behind on all of those things.

I told him we’d work on them all and here we are on the last weekend before school starts and not one of them has happened.

This week I realized summer was practically over and the weather would be changing soon. I convinced Dex to buy the boys bikes so we could teach them how to ride.

We opted for traditional bikes with training wheels after failed attempts with balance bikes. It’s only been a few days since we got them, but we’re making good progress!

Tying shoes is up next before school starts! We have 5 days to get it done. :)

Recently my son, who is now reading wonderfully, also told me he wanted “a real Bible.” He said the one he got for his baby dedication isn’t a real Bible, he wants one he can read.

So a Bible is our next order of business! I’m just trying to keep up and not hold him back. I’ve gotta get up to speed with his ambitions!

Any tips?

It’s Better to Attend a Funeral Than a Party

It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of everyone; the living should take this to heart. - Ecclesiastes 7:2

This is one of those verses most want to ignore or speed read on by. The whole book of Ecclesiastes is like that for real, but that’s a conversation for another day.

It’s better to attend a funeral than a party, I definitely see why. The funeral I attended this week shook my world and blessed my life all at the same time.

I can tell my attempt to grow in empathy and emotional intelligence is working because I’m crying more.

I’ve prided myself at being a thug and barely ever crying, but I’m definitely seeing my no crying tendencies fading as I’ve been working towards growing in emotional intellegince.

This week I attended the funeral of an elder from my “Chosen For Me” Church (see my last post for context). I didn’t have many direct interactions with him, however I am in relationship with several of his family members and they are a family I love and cherish.

I attended out of my love and support for them. Dex had a more direct relationship with the elder and Dex even had a chance to write him a letter and received confirmation that he received the letter before he passed.

This man was phenomenal in all the ways. A family man. A devoted servant of Jesus. Faithful to his work, his church, his coworkers. Not a negative story was told of him. It was such a beautiful celebration of life.

What stuck with me the most was seeing his legacy on display. How his faithfulness in showing up in the small, everyday things, led to so much beautiful fruit on full display through his wife, his children, and grandchildren, his former coworkers, and fellow church members.

It was very motivating to be consistent, even in the mundane. Still show up. Still be faithful. Make the investments even when you can’t see the immediate return, it all adds up.

The second thing that stuck with me was watching his wife praise and worship God in what I’m sure has been the hardest season of her life. She honored her beloved husband, bowing before his casket. She honored her heavenly Father, kneeling in the center aisle on full display with no regard for who was watching.

She LED US all in that service. She showed us how to suffer well. She modeled how to mourn with gladness. She implored us to trust God even when we don’t understand. She mothered us. She encouraged us. She helped us.

And then she led us in a song of praise as she belted, “All my life you have been faithful…” following her remarks.

I have replayed the service in my mind over and over since that day. My heart is saddened by the grief I know this family is feeling. The void I know they will each inevitably feel for years and years to come, makes me sad.

But what lifts my spirit and brightens my eyes is knowing he was ready to meet his Savior when his time came. What helps is knowing they all made the most of their time with him and he with them. What helps is knowing they will get to reunite with him again because he instilled in them a real and authentic faith in Jesus Christ.

There is more to celebrate than there is to mourn for we are promised that our latter will be greater.

“The final glory of this house will be greater than the first,” says the LORD of Armies. “I will provide peace in this place” —this is the declaration of the LORD of Armies.” - Haggai 2:9

If I Were A DJ This Would Be My Playlist

Did you know I used to be a radio DJ in college? For three and a half years, you could catch “Special K on WHOV 88.1 FM The Voice of Hampton University! The Class of College Radio!”

It was the best of times! Any who, ever since those days I’ve been a DJ in my head. I have so many playlists for so many occasions and my friends know to call me if they need a special one put together. It’s such a joy!

Anyway, If I Were a DJ is my way of sharing the music that’s in heavy rotation in my Spotify this week.

Coming in first this week is Red Worship. I’m loving their album Presence People this week, I’ve put my two favorite songs from the album in rotation on the playlist.

Keep up with all the new adds by subscribing to the Free Flow Friday Playlist on Spotify!

Pod of the Week

Omar Eltakrori has one my favorite podcasts for business insights. I am big on being connected to a local church, especially if you’re going to build a public platform. Omar is locked and loaded in his local church and killing it with his podcast.

This particular episode is a bit longer than usual but it’s so rich with depth and honestly it helped spur me into that moment with Jesus I mentioned earlier in This Week’s Wisdom.

His guest, Steve Penate is a multiple seven-figure serial entrepreneur and elder at a rapidly growing church. In this episode, Steve went in and shares what it truly means to build a business God’s way.

This episode is super helpful to me. I’ve listened to it over the course of 4 days and have about 15 minutes left to go.

That’s a Wrap!

That’s it for this week’s Free Flow Friday (released on Saturdays). How do you like this format? Let me know your thoughts!

Also, feel free to share any thoughts on anything discussed. Would love to connect with you in the comments!

Share Oh! Pen This with Kandis

It’s a necessity cause ain’t nothin’ free in this world.

It’s consuming cause it often takes up so much of our time.

It’s a major part of our existence.

One of the projects my company has worked on for the past four years is called, Desperate for Jesus (DFJ).

DFJ is a Women’s Conference founded 21 years ago by Dr.Lois Evans for the women of Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship.

Since it’s inception, it has grown into an annually sold out conference that simulcasts live to churches and gatherings all around the country. From it has spawned virtual workshops leading up to conference, a post-conference devotional, a conference APP, and more.

It is truly something special, but before talking about this weekend’s 21st Anniversary Edition of DFJ, I’d like to go back and share how I got here.

LEAVING MY DAD’S CHURCH

At age 28, I made one of the biggest and hardest decisions of my life. I decided to stop attending my Dad’s church. I felt like I needed to go somewhere where I could hide for a while and just “be.” I wanted to sit and be able to receive with ease.

I wanted to grow in ways that I couldn’t, being in a comfortable environment surrounded by people who’d known (and in many cases catered to) me and my family for as long as I’ve been alive.

I knew exactly the church I wanted to go to. It was big, it was predominately white, it was a place I likely wouldn’t run into many people I knew from my dad’s church.

I was set!

So I thought.

God stopped me in my dead-set ambitious tracks with a clear and confident, “No, go to Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship.”

I pushed back, “OCBF!! I don’t wanna go there!”

I had my list of reasons and at the top of that list was, “I don’t wanna see people who used to go to my Daddy’s church! People would know and recognize me there.”

So for those who don’t live in Dallas/Fort Worth, TX, let me pause and explain black church culture here. DFW is home to some of the largest churches. I mean, there’s one pocket of the city where five thriving black mega churches exist within just a few miles of each other. Like you can legit get to each of them in under 10 minutes..

People here are loyal and devoted to their churches. There’s a healthy respect, but when we start repping our church, the pride gets loud.

You can understand the type of person you’re talking to when you find out what church they go to in the city.

It’s not uncommon to have friends, family, and co-workers spread among these churches. On top of that, many of the pastors are friends, hosting special services where one church comes to visit and worship with another.

Another thing that happens is these churches sometimes end up sharing members. Someone may want to switch churches for whatever the reason, and often, they’ll choose one of the other churches.

You’ll meet people who 15-20 years ago used to be a member of this church, now they’re a member of another church. That kind of movement is not uncommon at all.

THE CHURCH GOD CHOSE FOR ME

So when the Lord told me to go to OCBF, I was not at all happy, thrilled, or on board with the idea, but I believe in obeying, even when I don’t fully understand.

So in obedience, I started attending. I’d go and sit at the top of the balcony so no one would see me and wait to leave out until I thought most of the crowd was gone.

One day, after a few months months of doing this, the Lord told me to go down to the floor after church and tell the pastor’s wife, Mrs. Lois Evans, that I was attending their church.

“You want me to do what?!”

I DID NOT want to tell her.

I sat in the balcony wrestling with the Lord about it as the sanctuary cleared of people. I watched and waited for Mrs.Evans to leave the sanctuary, but for some reason she lingered this day. There was no line to talk to her and she was clearly in no hurry to leave.

I kept thinking, “why is she still here?!” And Holy Spirit kept giving His instruction, “Go tell her you’re here.”

I eventually conceded. “Fine. I’ll go.”

I get down to the floor from the balcony and prepare myself to explain who I am (which I hate doing), not expecting her to recognize me.

“Hi Mrs.Evans, I’m…”

“Ohhh!!” she responded with a warm greeting of surprise.

I didn’t have to give a single explanation as to who I was or who my parents were.

She was surprised to see me, but knew exactly who I was, commenting on seeing things about me on my mom’s Facebook page.

I was relieved to evade the whole, “I’m Pastor Davis’s daughter” spill.

I let her know I’d been attending the church and she said, “you need to meet with me and pastor. I’ll have my assistant reach out to schedule something.”

I thought, “Great! I was obedient. I said something. They’re going to be too busy to meet with me and this will all be done. I have obeyed God and I can go back into hiding.”

Two hours later I had a meeting scheduled with them for the upcoming week.

MEETING WITH PASTOR & MRS.EVANS

I arrive at our meeting, still in shock that it’s happening and I’m wondering what we even need to meet about. I was just letting ya’ll know I was here!

I don’t need anything and I don’t want anything, besides knowing I’m spiritually covered and planted in a local church. I would like to just come and go and not talk to anybody, as I please.

They asked me a series of questions:

“Tell us about yourself.”

“Do your parent’s know you’re here?”

“How do they feel about it?”

“Why do you want to attend OCBF?”

“Have you observed anything we can improve on?”

These are just a few of the questions I can remember.

A bit later as we were wrapping up, I was given the instruction to join the church officially.

I obliged, but not without a few rebuttals cause do I reeeally need to stand in front of this church to publicly receive a right hand of fellowship?!

“Yes, you need to do the entire process,” I was instructed.

Oh, joy.

A couple weeks later I walked into the membership room after church and the first person who greeted me was a former member of my dad’s church.

Good times.

MRS. EVANS’S VISION

I’m going to skip ahead to get to the point of why I’m sharing all this. Mrs.Evans is the reason DFJ is as great as it is.

Her vision was so clear and she communicated it so well, that now 5 years after her passing and 11 years after me being a part of this conference, I still know what she would and wouldn’t like. I still know how to make decisions based on her intentionality and convey her heart for the women who attend and watch.

She brought me to the table, as the youngest and newest addition to the planning committee for DFJ 2014 and I haven’t left it since. Every year, for the past eleven years I’ve contributed to DFJ in different roles and capacities.

And In 2021, just one year after Mrs.Lois passed away, her daughter Chrystal asked if I wanted to produce DFJ 2022. I said, “Yes!” and for the past 4 years, I’ve had the honor of creatively leading, planning, and helping produce what has easily become my favorite event.

DFJ 2025: LEGACY

This year’s theme, Legacy, really made me pause and reflect. In fact, while writing this post, I remembered Mrs.Evans and I used to email from time to time.

I hadn’t thought to look at those emails again until writing this and now I’m in tears, grateful for the tangible evidence of her investment and legacy in my life.

Excerpt from Oct 30, 2014 email from Mrs.Evans

“We are so blessed personally and as a church to have you join us as a member. We are grateful to reap the benefits of the investment your parents made in your life and ministry.

I really appreciate you being such a vital and intricate part of DFJ 2014. We are grateful.”

Within this email she invited me back to serve for DFJ 2015 and from there, I was locked and loaded as an official committee member.

When Mrs.E passed away I realized we never took a picture together, but the influence she’s had on my life tells more of the story than a picture ever could.

This year, especially, I wanted it to feel like her. Her care. Her excellence. Her thoughtfulness. Her elegance. Her cultivation of others. Her love. Her legacy.

She made it inextricably clear that to do all this without Jesus is an absolute waste of time.

Glorifying God and getting His daughters into His presence was her number one priority. And she made it a point to make sure this was done with joy and laughter as well as depth and truth.

This year was special for everyone because it was the celebration of 21 years of DFJ, but it was particularly special for me in many personal ways.

For two-days, women from different seasons of my life, converged at this one place for refreshing and community.

My Childhood Church

Our cellist that played before the start of each conference day was a childhood friend of mine. I’ve gotten to see her play since she was 11 years old and now she is well-respected for her craft and people loved the music as they waited for conference to start.

My Mom directed the choir. She’s a member of OCBF now and she was the choir director at the church my dad pastored for a while. I always love getting to see her do what she loves again. And my mother-in-law, who was visiting from Kentucky, joined the choir for the weekend - talk about different seasons of life converging!

Niya, our worship leader for the weekend is like a sister to me. We’ve known each other since college and she was one of the worship leaders at my dad’s church for years. She is the most energetic worship leader I know! Praise and Worship is a whole workout when Niya is in the room.

My Chosen (for me, Lol) Church

OCBF is my chosen for me church family. Chosen for me cause the Lord picked them for me since He knew I wouldn’t. :) Over the 11 years I’ve been a part of this church body, I’ve developed some great relationships with folks who just feel like family.

It’s always great to be with and serve with them. Our times together are even more meaningful now that we’re attending a new church (that’s a post for another day that’s currently sitting in my drafts).

My Current Church

We recently started attending a new church where my husband is on staff and I invited the women in our small group to come to conference. They made a whole weekend out of it and got a hotel room. Two of the women were gone by the time we connected for our group picture. They had the best time!

My Going Beyond Friends

Years ago, me and this bunch used to work together on an event called Awaken, hosted by Going Beyond Ministries. Although the event no longer happens, the love and bond we all share remains deep. Plus, Shannon (pictured right) and I were friends before all that even happened.

My Book Club Crew

Last year I decided to start a book club to go through Dr.Sarita Lyons’s book, Church Girl. Most of us live in Texas with the exception of our two international members in London and Canada. So the whole Texas crew decided to attend conference since 3 of us were already planning to be there. One of the members drove from San Antonio to be with us for the weekend!

My Bestie & My New Producer Twin

My bestie from high school, Andrea (right), introduced me to a new friend, Steph (left), she met several months ago. Their kids go to the same school and she’s a producer who just moved to Texas from LA.

For two years I’ve prayed for a producer partner who was local, available, and could help carry some of the load I usually have.

Steph was the answer to that prayer. She helped produce a few things alongside me this year and she’s now officially my Producer Twin cause we worked SO well together and our visions/ideas aligned quite quickly!

My Oh! Crew

And of course the Oh! Crew was in the building lending additional support to the church’s media team. It’s always a great time when we get to work together. They are my co-workers, crew, friends, and family all rolled into one :)

So much love was in the room!

THE LEGACY OF A VISION

DFJ is special. It’s always been a place for practical wisdom and cross-generational impact. For years it’s cultivated encouragement, hope, honest conversations, and joy among those who attend.

And in honoring Dr. Lois Evans’s legacy while also celebrating 21 years of the conference this year, it became very clear to me…

She had a vision and in many ways, we’re still catching up to it.

Register to watch the conference replay now until 11:59 p.m. CT on Saturday, August 31, 2025.

Register for DFJ Replay

I wake up early…close my eyes…pray…sit in quiet…listen…open up my laptop…stare at a blank page…take a deep breath…and write.

The words on these pages are never premeditated. In fact, no matter what, I never even let myself write the words the night before. I have to go to sleep first (even if it’s at midnight like last night) and wake up to write with a fresh mind.

This particular year, I’m up the earliest I’ve ever written. I first opened my eyes at 4:59am. I knew it was the time I needed to get up if I wanted to write this before heading to do a 7am live with my dear friend and birthday twin, Chrystal.

I saw the time then attempted to let myself sleep a few more minutes, but literally 10minutes later, my youngest came in our bedroom saying I didn’t hug and kiss him last night.

I didn’t even get mad at his early morning intrusion because this time I knew God was making sure that in the fullness of the schedule of my day, I didn’t miss my window to have this moment of reflection.

So here we go…

What’s Your Hang Up?

Have you ever lived with a thing so long, you stop even noticing it’s there?

Maybe it’s those coffee mugs in the back of a cabinet you haven’t moved in years. The ones that used to be your go-to’s but now their coffee stains have made them less desirable.

Or perhaps it’s a piece of wall art that’s been up so long, you no longer stop and admire it. You know, the one you spent hours picking out, days considering whether or not you’d keep it, then weeks telling folks how you finally found a piece that works perfectly for that spot you were trying to figure out.

It could even be a scar on your body, one that’s so old, it’s basically become a birthmark. The story of its origin is no longer being told and the details of how it even got there have become somewhat hazy. You now bathe and rub lotion over it without a single thought about how its healing or its past sensitivities.

As I’m entering this new decade of 40—first of all, howwwwww did we get here?!?

Sigh. Where’s the support group?
Cause ya’ll I really feel like an adult for the first time and I’m still processing how to feel about it.

• I’m so 40, I broke up two teenagers kissing at the trampoline park last week.

• I’m so 40, I told two teenage girls to be quiet in church yesterday.

• I’m so 40, I cancelled plans for a birthday trip to stay home and save money.

Send help!

Ok, back to the point…

As I’m entering this new decade of 40, I see the tangled webs of past traumas and cemented habits slowing me down.

I can literally feel the hindrances of the hidden things hanging me up.

They are keeping me stuck.

Limited.

Underdeveloped.

Less effective.

Distracted.

Afraid.

For years, I have lived with these hang ups, ignoring their existence. I treated them like those forgotten mugs, that ignored picture, that overlooked scar.

They are just a part of me.

These feelings are normal.

This is evidence of my humanity.

These are my weaknesses that make me dependent on Jesus.

The thorns in my flesh the Bible talks about, right?

Right?!

…

Wrong.

Stripping Off Everything Unnecessary

The past couple months have felt like a breaking of some stony ground that I’ve held too tightly— some for years, some for decades.

My life has quieted down enough for me to feel and recognize the tensions and stress I’ve carried for years.

I’ve read books, dialogued in my book club community, gone to therapy, and spent time asking questions and listening to God and slowly I began to see for the first time, mindsets, hindrances, and habits I’ve become accustomed to lugging along in life. They are becoming more visible as unnecessary weights and sins that need to be thrown out.

As I’m writing, this scripture comes to mind:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, ² looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. -Hebrews 12:1-2

Hebrews is my FAVORITE book of the Bible. Truth be told, I barely know what half of it means and one verse could take a lifetime to comprehend, but something about it anchors me in hope (Heb. 6:19).

Something about it sheds light into the hidden crevices of my heart and mind.

It slows me down to notice.

It opens my heart to believe there is a better way, a greater hope, a freedom I’ve not yet known.

It also shows me the way to it and Hebrews 12:1-2 lays out the ultimate strategy.

I’m not gonna dissect and preach this thing cause it’s time for me to head to Chrystal’s now…and it’d take up the rest of my birthday to really dig into it all, but I’ll end with this:

Freedom is Possible

Freedom from the weights and sins that beset us is possible.

We are not called to be slaves to our pasts, our traumas, our disappointments and habits.

There is so much work to do in this world. Unhindered, effective believers in Jesus Christ are a direct threat to the work of confusion and oppression the enemy is doing in the hearts and minds of people today.

We cannot afford to be so caught up and entangled with our own weights that we spend years moving slower than we’re supposed to and being less effective than we’re supposed to be.

Our weights and sins leave us spent— with less capacity for others than we should have.

The more free we are, the more freely we can give.

Our time and energy is no longer spent combating our own weights, but instead we find more grace and capacity to serve and see others.

Experiencing new levels of personal freedom for collective gain— that is my hope for this next year, and decade.

I know this was my annual birthday reflection post, but I hope in my sharing you feel permission to begin noticing what you’ve been carrying. And that you feel empowered to make the decision to lay some things down.

Check out my previous birthday posts:

Me @ 39: Gimmie My Stuff Back

Me @ 38: Weight, Wait, Great.

Me @ 37: Just Give It

Me @ 36: Get Yo Life

Me @ 35: Awake and Sleeping

Me @ 34: Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop

Me @ 33: New Things Poppin’, Old Things Stoppin’

Me @ 32: Loading

Me @ 31: Cancel The Party

Me @ 30: Ready for Take Off

Me @ 29: Live While You’re Young

Me @ 28: Question Mark

Me @ 27: Game On

Me @ 26: Whatever It Takes

Me @ 25: Confused

Me @ 24: Maybe I’m Selfish

Me @ 23: Grow Up

Me @ 22: In Transition

I have eliminated the distraction of aimless scrolling, only to find it didn’t increase my time in the ancient scrolls of scripture.

Today I finally had enough.

I sat in the still of the morning.

I repented.

I prayed.

I listened.

And I heard.

These hearts are prone to wander.

Our default is distraction.

I found it surprising that eliminating what I thought was the most distracting and time-stealing thing in my life, didn’t solve the problem of this preoccupied heart.

It didn’t help me focus on better things— at least not consistently.

What I discovered was new distractions.

Distractions I wouldn’t be judged for, in fact, it’d be just the opposite. If I were to share the course of these days of social media, I’m sure I’d be applauded!

• I got more work done— “You’re a beast! That’s so good!” They’d say.

• I cleaned and organized our house— “You’re such a good wife and mom.” They’d say.

• I watched two documentaries— “Ooo, what’d you watch? Good for you for having some “me” time! You deserve it!” They’d say.

• I spent time catching up with friends— “We all need community! So glad you got to connect with others.” They’d say.

I was more present in my everyday life, but I didn’t increase my time where it mattered most…in God’s presence.

Still.

Quiet.

With Him.

His Word

His Spirit.

The most valuable thing I could have done was spend time with Him.

The most valuable place I could have been was with Him.

And it took me 33 days to sit long enough to realize I’ve been doing secondary, tertiary and beyond things.

Those drive-by and routine prayers? Yes, I meant them and sure I’d pause for a minute or two when a dire situation arose, but sitting unhurried, everyday? Who has the time?

Flee and Pursue

As I sat quietly this morning, finally still and listening, I realized something about the 5-week sermon series we just finished at church called, Victory.

We’ve studied and broken down 2 Timothy 2:22,

“So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.

Week after week I’ve taken notes thinking, “this will be good to store up for future use.” But today, two days after the conclusion of the series, I’m realizing the truths found in this verse and in these sermons weren’t for my future, they’re for every single day.

With 40 Days of Focused, I did the first part of fleeing, but I neglected the second part of pursuing.

Ok, maybe not entirely, I did make a list of things to pursue like:

• maintaining healthy margins in my day

• walking and working out

• spending time with my kids

• date nights with my husband

• reading books

And I absolutely listed, “read the Bible everyday” and “have dedicated prayer time” as daily goals to pursue, but the track record for those things turned out to be in my top three least accomplished goals.

They landed second and third only to the number one least accomplished goal of drinking 40oz of water a day.

It’s the irony of the parallel for me…

Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. -John 4:13-14

Here I am, neglecting both the water my body needs and the Living Water my soul craves. Ya girl is over here distracted AND dehydrated.

In the Morning When I Rise…

"In the morning, LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly." -Psalm 5:3

Whether you’re a night owl or a morning person, early morning is indeed the best option.

I remember talking with a woman probably 15 years ago at this point, I was sharing with her how much I struggle with waking up early to spend time with Jesus.

She responded, “Are you up at midnight?”

I said, “Yes, I am, just about everyday.”

She said, “Well that’s early morning too!”

And she’s right.

Whether it’s midnight or 5am, early morning is not that difficult to accomplish on one end of the day or the other.

If you’re a night owl, pick midnight.

If you’re a morning person, pick 5 or 6am.

It’s between these hours the world is quieter.

No one is calling, texting, or coming over.
If you have children, they’re typically asleep.

Side note: Moms of newborns and folks who work third shift, just ignore this whole section, k? :)

The point is, between these hours, for many of us, things are still and quiet. David understood this truth when he wrote:

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life." -Psalm 143:8

But at Night…

If you consider yourself a night owl like me, you have probably said, felt, or believed many of these statements.

I’ve often told myself that at night…

• is when I get my most creative ideas!

• is when I get the most done!

• I think the most clearly!

• is my best time of day!

These are excuses I’ve believed many times, for decades, in fact.

But as I sit here, finally still…finally listening…with a meager 6 days left of this challenge, I hear Holy Spirit saying…

“So why not give Me your best?”

…

And with that, I’m DONE.

I meeeean just cooked!

But I’m committing to slow down and pay more attention, not just for the last days of this challenge, but as an everyday pursuit, for His presence and His word is as essential to us as water.

Let’s Discuss

Me trying to do life without Him…

This hurt, didn’t it?!

I know…let’s discuss in the comments:

• Did any of my experience resonate with you? What part(s)?

• How do you know when you’re distracted or spiritually dehydrated?

• Anything you’ve found practically useful in helping you refocus and spend more time with God?

I fired my therapist today.

I told her I thought we’d be better off as friends.

Not quite the outcome of most therapist-client relationships, I’m sure, but how else could I communicate, “I would love to have you in my life, just not in this way anymore.”

The decision didn’t come easy, but I knew it was necessary for my personal growth.

She has graciously walked with me through one of the hardest seasons I’ve experienced as an adult, but once all the fires were under control and I was ready to dig into deeper things, I found us going in circles.

I started processing my feelings and experiences from therapy with a couple trusted people for the past couple months.

They’d affirm my sentiments weren’t off-based. They even asked a couple times in disbelief, “You’re still seeing her?”

I was. Because I liked her, and maybe it’s me? Maybe I need to ask her to help me differently? Or perhaps I should change how I engage?

But inevitably, it became more and more clear I was no longer getting the type of help I was looking for.

So today, I finally did it…

“I think it’s time for me to end this arrangement and find another therapist,” I said.

She was surprised.

I continued, “I know there are rules and things, but what if I don’t care about the rules and I choose to be your friend? Is that possible?”

“Why do you feel it’s time to see someone else?” she asked.

I felt like I was breaking up with a boyfriend.

“Well,” I explained, “you’ve been great at helping me navigate all we were going through when we first started seeing you. And you have definitely helped me see the importance in finding my voice and speaking up. I am growing in those areas, but I really need to address some spiritual and religious things and I don’t think you’re the best person to do that with.”

“I think you’re right,” she said.

She explained her limitations because of her personal upbringing in a different sect of faith (Catholicism). She’s also not native to Texas so coming here and visiting all the large black churches overwhelmed her.

Her knowledge and understanding of the church world that raised and shaped me was so foreign to her that on a few occasions, I found myself teaching and giving insight instead of processing what I needed to process.

There were a couple times I felt her advice directly opposed what I believe I’m called to do as a believer. This was never her intention, of course, but our convictions are different and that’s totally okay.

Convictions are a whole other topic…cause most of the ones I have are much more conservative than many of my friends.

I’m like, “Jesus! I want to play too!!”

Simple Sidenote Case & Point: I LOVED watching a series called, The Morning Show. It was fascinating, especially because of my history with working in live television for six years. So many things about the show intrigued me. I was HOOKED and enjoing every episode…by the time I got to episode two of Season Two, literally as I’m watching, I hear Holy Spirit say, “you don’t need to watch this anymore. This is a waste of your time.”

“What? I just want to zone out and relax! What is the problem with watching this show? And the story is so good and juicy!” I retorted.

“Don’t watch it anymore.”

I was CRUSHED!

Specific scenes flashed across my mind, feelings I felt, thoughts I’d had while watching, all seemed to surface in an instant and that was it.

I never finished that episode nor any after.

I stopped watching because of personal conviction.

Now, this doesn’t mean I can’t watch anything— so far Abbott Elementary and Bel-Air are still on my “can watch list,”— but similar experiences have happened to me with other shows.

Back to the topic at hand…

I fired my therapist today because I think we’d be better off as friends.

“What does that look like to you?” she asked.

“Umm, I don’t know. Nothing super formal, but you’re a business owner, I love talking business with other owners. You’re reading a book I recommended. I love to hear how that’s going! I’m not expecting you to kick it at our house or anything, but we can keep in touch and see what organically becomes of it.”

She nodded.

Is she nodding like she agrees or is she thinking “girl, I don’t want to be your friend!”

I didn’t press in to see which it meant so I decided to continue, “Now I can share the speaking engagement video you asked to see! I can let me guard down. I didn’t want to share it because I didn’t want you to see my other posts and be informed about me beyond what I wanted to discuss in session.”

She understood my position.

There are so many layers to finding a good therapist. If you’d asked me a year ago if the therapist being of the same or similar sect of Christianity was a dealbreaker, I would have said “absolutely no, if they’re great at what they do, it doesn’t matter.”

But now, I’m not so sure. I know I need someone who understands my past and present positions better but will it always be this way or is that just for this part of my journey?

Is it normal to switch therapists this much in life?

Do other people become friends with their therapists?

Maybe it’s me, I might be the problem…

Now I need therapy to process my history of going to therapy!

Jesus be a fence cause this is feeling never-ending.

And perhaps that’s the point of it.

We never really find the end of the thing because the thing is always morphing into a new thing.

We may find some resolve in one area, but life will faithfully bring up another.

So where does all this leave me?

Well, I think I’ll borrow my therapist’s final parting words to me…

“I’ve learned a lot.”

Me too, me…too.

Let’s Talk:

Have you ever ended a professional relationship because it was no longer serving your growth? What factors do you consider most important when finding the right fit - whether with a therapist, coach, or mentor? I'd love to hear your experiences in the comments below.

Today is my firstborn son’s 6th birthday! A couple days ago I was cleaning up the kitchen thinking about how fast these first six years have gone.

People always tell you the years go by fast, but it’s hard to grasp the reality of it until you experience it yourself.

My eyes teared up as I thought about all of the growth I’ve seen in him over the years. And as I reflected, I began to wonder why six was feeling so much harder than his first five birthdays.

Then it hit me…

6…

12…

18…

Turning six means he’s only 2/3rds away from turning 18. He is already one-third of the way to adulthood!

That thought is sobering.

It wakes you up to the reality of time.

It helps you reset your intentions.

I’ve always wanted to be a boy mom and the more these boys grow, the more thankful I am to raise and shape them— and honestly, the more I enjoy them.

When I was pregnant with our firstborn, I purchased a course by Lisa Bevere and Havilah Cunnington called, “Mom’s of Men.”

Lisa Bevere (her sons) & Havilah Cunnington - Moms of Men

Lisa and Havilah have four sons each…FOUR! In this series, they share practically about how to raise godly men. With guest appearances by Lisa’s four adult sons (Havilah’s kids are young like mine at the time of this taping), they discuss everything from discipline to manhood to sexuality.

I have sloooowly been making my way through these lessons over the years and I find it’s a great resource to revisit as my children get older.

When it was first released in 2016, there wasn’t anything out like it for Christian women raising all boys. It was a refreshing resource that was much needed. Now, Lisa and Havilah have released this paid course as free-content on YouTube! Whoo hoo!

New Voices Emerging

Fast forward, nine years and this year, three women I actually know, released podcasts with their sons! Not only do all three of these women have three sons, but they are all podcasting with their middle sons!

Side Note: Honestly, watching their dynamics makes me want one more son, but we’ll see what the Lord says on that cause my pregnancies are historically a WHOLE wild and debilitating situation!

Now, let me introduce you…

Chanda & Brandon Stegall - Any Given Sonday

First of all, isn’t the name of their pod super cute and clever? I love a double meaning :) Chanda and I have known each other at least 10 years I can remember. She’s always openly shared about the craziness that is being the only female in a household of five. Laced with honesty and humor, Chanda and her recent college graduate son, Brandon share with no filter and it’s quite entertaining to watch.

Erika & Jaxon Brown - Permission to Talk Back

Erika Brown and I connected in 2022 when Dex and I decided to join her real estate investors co-hort. She’s a BOMB mentor for us and so many other people of color who are looking to invest in real estate. She opted for the non-traditional unschooling route for most of her kids’s educational journey. For years she has shared her reasons and methods behind unschooling and one things for sure, her kids are not afraid to go after their dreams.

She sits down with her middle son, Jaxon to discuss culture, parenting and more. This one is for those who don’t feel as old as they actually are. Her Gen Z son consistently finds a way to expose their age gap. Watch here.

Priscilla & JC Shirer - Full Fledged

I first met Priscilla when I was 21 years old, a senior in college, soon about to graduate and navigate my way into for real adulthood. My father introduced us at a concert, I had no clue who she was beyond being her father’s daughter as that’s how my dad introduced us. I asked Priscilla a question related to something I was navigating as a PK (pastor’s kid) and soon-to-be-graduate. She graciously answered and honestly? For the last 18 years, she's pretty much been answering my questions one way or another, ever since.

Priscilla sits down with her middle son, JC, a current college athlete. Full Fledged is the baby of this podcast bunch being the most recent one to start, but episode one is already packed with some great takeaways and insights. It’s clear JC is taking the lead on this one in every way from casting the vision, naming the pod and setting up the cameras and mics. Watch here.

Looking Forward

These resources are examples of healthy, honest dialogue. And truly, they are showing how the investments in their son’s formative years are starting to pay off.

If I’m honest, getting the opportunity to watch these women talk to their 15, 20, and 23 year-old sons really feels like God spoiling me.

I mean, I’m literally in the top half of this journey, getting wisdom and insight from those at the end of, or already finished with, the first 18 years.

It’s putting me (and any other moms in the first third of this journey) at an advantage and helping me set intentions now.

My boys are just exiting toddler life and beginning to formulate their own little worlds.

I find myself staring at them sometimes as I attempt to savor these remaining 2/3rds of childhood.

Yesterday, as I picked up the toys off the floor (again) and de-cluttered their playroom for the 2nd time this year, I took notice of how they no longer play with certain toys as much because their interests are changing as they grow.

And with my oldest one leading the way into this second-third of childhood, knowing my second is only 18-months behind, I’m leaning in even more, asking more questions, and learning who they are beyond me just trying to get them to do what needs to be done in the moment.

I engage with their interests.

I ask them questions.

I dance and talk in funny accents with them.

I refer to myself as “Mommy Delicious” every time I cook a good meal that’s placed in front of them, and they pretend to hate it and beg me to stop while laughing :)

I ask them questions about God and their personal faith journey.

I let them tell me stories about school or their friends.

And I hope and pray as my sons grow, they’ll continue to willingly have open dialogue with me about any and everything.

Now, I’m not aiming to have these conversations with my sons on a public platform like these ladies, but it’s clear —the public outworking of these episodes are only happening because of daily, intentional decisions, cultivated in private over the years.

Let’s Talk About It

What are some ways you’re intentionally fostering healthy, honest, and open communications with your children? Would love if you shared their age and what seems to be working if you’re still raising them, or what has worked for you if you have adult children.

After you comment, be sure to check out all of these resources on YouTube! :)

Had I Burger King'd this life and had it my way, I'd be 3 kids deep with a 4th on the way. Annnd I'd have a plan for the timing of our 5th.

Fertility was never an issue for Dex and me. I never knew the pain of seeing other women pregnant with their miracles, while longing for my own.

I never felt the hurt of cleaning out a closet of items for a child who I'd planned for but would never hold.

I never faced the disappointment of meeting with a fertility doctor to discuss options and possibilities. Never had my blood tested to determine how many viable eggs I had left.

None of these things were even remotely close to my experience, until I discovered there was cancer in my body.

The first two doctors my surgeon sent me to meet with were a fertility doctor and a plastic surgeon.

My head was literally spinning, not just from the whirlwind of information regarding the cancer, but also from the rippling implications of what this meant for my future, our family's future. The aftershock was unexpected...crippling...devastating.

Over the next few months Dex and I had to make half-explored, but fully permanent decisions regarding my life and our family:

• Do we want to freeze eggs?

• Do we want to freeze embryos?

• Do we want to try IVF later?

• Do we want to have a surrogate?

• Do I get a lumpectomy or mastectomy?

• If a mastectomy, should I get implants?

• If lumpectomy, should I get a lift on the unaffected side while I'm in surgery?

There was an entire list of crucial, permanent life decisions we had to make while processing the most disorienting news of our lives.

We made the decisions one-by-one, some faster than others, but each carried it's own wrestle and pain. And best believe each came with a caveat and a cost.

These weren't, "you want Skittles or Starbursts?" type decisions. That would've been nice. No, these were "pick your poison" type decisions.

As we landed on each one, we learned to find peace and gratitude regarding most of them. Lots of, "well at least..." and "thankfully..." statements were said in those days.

But out of them all, the primary one I struggled to find peace with was the decision surrounding our possible future children.

Medical professionals, friends and family alike, would ignorantly say, "well, at least you have two healthy, beautiful children." All true, but that doesn't lessen the depth of the disappointment.

My children are beautiful and lovely, yes. But God's grace and my love for them, gave me the heart and capacity to desire more. From the moment Dex and I started planning a future together, having five children was a dream I carried.

I had to mourn the fact that the likelihood of us being a family of seven was quickly slipping out of our reach.

The acceptance of this reality brought along it's own implications and new realities:

• My last pregnancy very well may have been my last pregnancy. I didn't treat it as such.

• The baby clothes I'd saved for "our next baby" may never be needed in this house again. I didn't need to keep them any longer.

• The breast pump and breast milk bags I'd saved will likely never be used by me again.

• The baby blankets our youngest had outgrown have no more purpose here.

It was time to let them go.

All of them.

I slowly began selling and giving away everything that made me think of our future baby(ies). The bassinet, the Doona stroller, the pack-n-play, the clothes, the double stroller, and most recently, the breast pump.

It hurt too much to keep them. They had become triggers.

But those were the triggers I could control. The ones I could get away from and send off to the next happy family.

I didn't realize getting rid of the items wouldn't be enough.

All of a sudden there were pregnant women and newborn babies everywhere I went.

I mean everywhere.

Dropping off and picking the boys up at school became a trigger.

Going to church became a trigger.

Seeing pregnant women in a grocery store or on IG became a trigger.

And celebrating with expectant friends was harder than I'd like to admit.

As I navigated my own journey, I couldn't help but think of women I knew who'd already gone through this same conflicting ordeal due to fertility issues, miscarriages, stillborn births and more. Many of whom are STILL navigating those pains.

I was so ignorant. In many ways I'm still very ignorant. But my empathy has grown because I've tasted and seen that pain. And that pain created triggers.

There's so much information available regarding identifying and avoiding our triggers, but not much shared about overcoming them.

What does one do when a trigger literally can't be avoided?

I will not be able to avoid the triggers of seeing a pregnant woman or a mother with her baby. That's just not realistic at all.

I want to fully rejoice when my friends have babies or are blessed to raise a house full of children.

I want to celebrate the gain of another without accounting for the loss of my own.

Their pregnancy is not about me.

Their baby is not about me.

Their family is not about me.

They should not be a trigger to me.

So I started to wonder, how can I trade my triggers and what can I even trade them for?

Trust.

The counterbalance to triggers is trust. Trust is a stabilizer.

So here I am, learning to trade my triggers for trust.

Now I know some triggers are harder to overcome than others, but this is for anyone who is tired of your triggers and ready to figure out, not necessarily a life without them...cause the gun may still be around, but a life without the thing being loaded.

We absolutely can learn to live with our triggers disarmed. These four things are helping me:

1. Resting in God's Sovereignty

There is a peace that comes with knowing there is no such thing as coincidence. What we often call coincidence, is actually God's providence. His divinely orchestrated will, coming to pass. Our God is the supreme sovereign, creator and ruler of all things...ALL things.

Learning to rest in His headship is a wrestle mankind has been dealing with since the beginning of time. And if you check the historical records, anytime a person has tried to rule things apart from God, it never turned out well in the long run and often times, even in the short run.

• We have limitations, He doesn't.

• We have shortcomings, He doesn't.

• We have finite perspectives, He doesn't.

• We operate in time, He doesn't.

• We think we know what's best, He actually is what's best.

This list could go on and on, but in summary, when you are tempted to flex your limited rationale against his supreme sovereignty, remember, "His thoughts are not our thoughts and His ways are not our ways," really ought to be the starting point when trying to make sense of the uncontrollable, disappointing situations in our lives. (Isaiah 55:8)

Between Isaiah 55:8 and the fact, "[Our] adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour," we should have all the "understanding" we need. (1 Peter‬ ‭5‬:‭8‬)

In the midsts of every circumstance, there is an enemy at work in the earth and a God who knows all and can see the end from the beginning.

And when I say "every circumstance," I literally mean every single one. Big or small, hard or easy.

"For his eyes are on the ways of a man, and he sees all his steps.” Job‬ ‭34‬:‭21‬ ‭

“For a man’s ways are before the eyes of the Lord, and he ponders all his paths.” ‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭5‬:‭21‬

“The eyes of the Lord are in every place, keeping watch on the evil and the good.” Proverbs‬ ‭15‬:‭3‬

We must choose to rest in the sovereignty of God, accepting and acknowledging that we don't have full understanding. We couldn't even handle full understanding if we tried. We are limited. Finite. Our comprehension compared to the all-knowing, all-seeing sovereign God, is sub-par, at best.

When we choose to believe, despite our perspectives, circumstances, and reasoning, that all of these things are still true; and as we submit to His will, trusting His sovereignty— we can begin to find peace in the midst of our triggers.

2. Believing God's Plans are Good

Belief is a decision. It's not a feeling. It's not an action. It's a decision that overrides our feelings. It is a decision that informs our actions.

In the decision to accept these hurts, losses and disappointments as being allowed by God's sovereignty, we also have to wrestle with the question, "If He is good, why would He allow this?" "Is this really His will for my life?"

It can often seem like what we're experiencing is contradictory to the good nature of God we often hear about in songs and sermons. We associate "good" with other words like "easy, happy, blessing, protection, etc." But could it be our understanding of "good" is narrow?

If our conclusions about our circumstances land us anywhere but at the goodness of God, it must also be determined that somewhere along the equation of our conclusion, there lies a fallacy. - Jackie Hill Perry

“For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.” -1 Corinthians‬ ‭13‬:‭12‬ ‭ESV‬‬

We have to trust that when He says in Romans 8:28, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose,” He means just that.

When we read scriptures like Psalm 154:9,

“The Lord is good to all, and his mercy is over all that he has made.”‭‭

Or Psalm 100:5

‬‬“For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.”

Or 1 Timothy 4:4 “For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving,”

‭‭

And of course, everybody's favorite, posted on t-shirts, mugs and billboards alike, Jeremiah 29:11,

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

‭‭

When we choose to believe, despite our perspectives, circumstances, and reasoning, that all of these things are still true; and as we submit to His will, trusting His goodness— we can begin to find peace in the midst of our triggers.

3. Investing in What’s In My Hands

Redirecting my thoughts to the reality of my circumstances is sobering and necessary. If we avoid what’s real, we’d be considered some form of crazy or irresponsible.

Accepting my reality isn’t a position of defeat, denial or deficit. In fact, I think it’s a position of rest and joy.

When we lock in to what’s in front of us, what we’ve been entrusted to steward, we will find contentment and gratitude.

“Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.” - 1 Peter 4:10

We have already been given a beautiful life full of gifts to cherish and cultivate. Investing in those gifts is rewarding, beneficial and truly, it’s what we’re called to do.

4. Rejoicing with Others

Perhaps the hardest of them all, could be considered this: we rejoice when others rejoice, even when we’re rejoicing about something that may be a trigger for us.

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. - Romans 12:15

We are called to this Holy act as the body of believers. And although it may sting at first, eventually, those texts, gifts, and cards of “congratulations” will become more and more genuine.

Truly, every good and perfect gift comes from the Father above, whether the gift is yours or not.

When we can move outside of ourselves and celebrate what God is doing for others, we are well on our way to living a life less triggered by our past hurts, traumas, and circumstances.

It will take time.

It will take practice.

But it is possible for me and for you.

I’m nervous (and excited) to share that for the 3rd time, I’m giving this writing thing a go again. Many of you have been with me since 2006 when I first began my writing journey.

When I was 21 years old I started my first blog, KandisDavis.com where I regularly shared what I was learning and annually posted my birthday blog, recapping lessons learned an anticipations hoped for the year to come.

Throughout my 20s and early 30s, this website would serve as a place to process, share, and receive feedback on life as I navigated it.

Once I got married, Dex and I decided to do some things together which birthed DexandKandis.com, our marriage and family blog. In 2018, on my 33rd birthday and 16 months into marriage, I decided to officially archive KandisDavis.com and move all my future writings to our shared website.

Over the past 7 years, I’ve sporadically shared on our joint website, but honestly it’s never really felt like, my space.

Comments weren’t as frequent, the community felt like it was fading and I didn’t have the motivation to post as often. These differences could’ve been for multiple reasons like the rise of social media, increase in video content, less user-friendly commenting applications, and so on…

Over the last year and some change, I’ve personally felt the nudge to come out of hiding. Friends have challenged and encouraged me to do the same, a couple even saying to me, “you need a Substack.”

So here we are!

I am excited to introduce you to my next journey in my writing, blogging, sharing and discussing with you.

This is Oh! Pen This with Kandis.

Oh! Pen (Open) - Open This - get it?

This name is a play on the word “Open” but also incorporates my production company’s name, “Oh!” You can learn more about the business’s name here.

With this relaunch, not only am I writing on Substack (KandisReese.com) regularly, but I’ll also be post weekly YouTube videos at youtube.com/@kandisdreese.

Subscribe on YouTube

This will be an exploratory journey as I discipline myself to share more of what I’m learning in faith, family, business, friendships, personally…the whole bit.

I’m also going to put some old posts that may have been missed in here, just to beef up the place with content a little quicker :)

Meanwhile, can ya’ll believe I turn 40 this year?! Cause I still feel all of 31.

I was so vocal for much of my 20s and then slowly silenced myself in my 30s, I’m excited to explore and discuss with you, all the things that bubble to the surface.

I hope you’ll join me on this journey and feel free to share and discuss as freely and openly as you desire.

This is a safe space to share and process.

Thank you for sticking with me from place to place all these years. Ready for the next…

Why do we often have to loose something before we truly understand the value of it?

Today I learned of the passing of a man who literally helped shape and transform the trajectory of my life.

We hadn’t spoken in over a decade.

Our exchanges were rare and far between.

I rummaged through old albums and plan to go through all my photo archives to find any evidence of our shared history.

I clicked “see our friendship” on Facebook and discovered year after year of his attempts to engage with birthday messages posted on my wall every year.

I never responded to one.

It was nothing personal.

I just haven’t taken the time to respond to any that are stand alone comments.

It took too much time.

I’d rather be living or enjoying the day in front of me, versus responding to every single well wish sent on my special day.

But today, now that he’s gone, I wish I’d responded to even just one.

I wish I had a direct and personal update on his world.

He knew a little about mine as he referred to me as “mom” in one of his birthday messages.

I knew a little about his because I’d looked at his Facebook page about a week ago and learned we both had two sons who are around the same ages.

I was happy to see him still loving his wife. Reading that he was up enjoying playing cars with his sons on a random morning made me happy but I didn’t engage with his post. I simply read it and thought, “I’m so happy for Rob.”

I should’ve told him.

The Story of Me & Rob

When I first arrived at Hampton University as freshman in September of 2003, I like most freshmen was eager to find my place on campus. What organizations would I join? Where did I want to engage? Who did I want to be associated with?

There were two things I went to college absolutely in love with…Jesus and Gospel Music.

In fact, I even decorated my side of my freshman dorm room with posters of gospel artists like Yolanda Adams, MaryMary, Kirk Franklin, Deitrick Haddon and Fred Hammond.

I even eventually had my roommate watching the Dorinda Clark-Cole “Rose of Gospel” DVD with me on the regular…ya girl was serious and proud.

My dream was to work in the gospel music industry in some capacity. Nothing specific, just anywhere I could plug in and advance the genre.

With this goal in mind, I narrowed my interests on campus to Gospel Choir and our campus radio station.

Both required auditions.

I eagerly and confidently signed up for both.

First up, gospel choir auditions.

I don’t remember much about the process other than I had a new friend who auditioned with me. We were dorm mates and still remain one of my closest friends from college.

Now, I’m the pastor’s kid who grew up singing in choirs and on praise teams my whole life. They gave us a list of songs to choose from or we could opt to choose our own. I confidently chose a song I’d been enjoying on repeat. It was acapella so I thought it’d be a great choice.

Knowing what I know now about much and choir auditions, it was an absolutely horrible song choice because of the technicality of it, but I was young and had never auditioned for a thing in my life before this.

I go in for the audition standing in front of upperclassmen and the choir director. I begin to sing, “everrry morning, when I wake, I thank Him for the breath, I freely taaaake.” The song is called “Thank Him” by Ted & Sheri. Now, anyone who knows their music, knows Ted & Shari are ELITE vocalists. I had no business whatsoever, trying to sing one of their songs in public. Terrible decision.

Long story short.

I didn’t make the choir.

My friend did.

After this rejection, I decided to audition for the radio station. I was a journalism major, the station was in my building, they had a gospel music block, lets be real, this was the better option for my goals anyway.

I went to college with a friend from high school. We I had the same love for Jesus and gospel music and we both decided to audition for the radio station.

The radio station audition was intense.
We read scripts and were interviewed by a panel of about six upperclassmen, two station employees from the community, along with the station manager.

I’d never interviewed for a job before so this was a bit intimidating.

They weren’t kind or grateful I’d shown up for the audition.

They didn’t smile.

They knew how unique and special of an opportunity it was to join their ranks and they protected that thing, ensuring that no one would make it through the doors to training without the dedication, diligence, and potential they were looking for.

You see, our campus radio station didn’t just play on campus. It wasn’t just the voice of Hampton University on Hampton’s campus, no our station was heard throughout the entire seven cities…from Virginia Beach to Portsmouth and beyond, all of the Tidewater area could tune into WHOV 88.1FM 24/7, 365. We never went off air and the whole area listened.

They were respected.

They were known.

They were a REAL radio station.

And they treated as such.

As I sat in the middle of the room in a solitary chair, facing they team sitting behind rectangular tables shaped like the letter “U,” I felt more nervous than I’d felt at the gospel choir audition. I didn’t know how to prepare for this one and I’d clearly failed at preparing properly for my first audition with the choir.

Rob sat front and center leading the charge as they each fired off their questions and judged my every answer.

Your fate of whether you made it into training, laid in the votes of the majority.

When I mentioned my love and affinity for gospel music, things got even more serious.

What I didn’t know at the time was gospel was Rob’s favorite genre and he took what played during the gospel hours very seriously.

I also didn’t know he’d built a gospel program that was so well respected that labels sent him their music directly without him even asking.

And I sure didn’t know these same labels made this station one of the stops when bringing artists to town for promotional tours and concerts.

Rob was even the host of The Gospel Express, WHOV’s daily gospel morning show from 6am-10am where he along with two student co-hosts, picked by Rob, shared the latest and greatest gospel hits, while also hitting hot topics and discussing all sorts of things pertaining to life as a Christian.

The Kandis of today would’ve know to do all this research BEFORE showing up for this audition.

The Kandis then was fresh out of high school, overly confident and hadn’t a clue how to prepare anything except breakfast…still my favorite meal of the day. Lol

Long story short.

My friend and I finish our audition and returned to our dorm feeling confident about our interviews.

It’d be a week or so later when they’d post on the door who was accepted into training.

To clarify the process, step one was the audition/interview, step two was training and training was intense. Training didn’t mean you made it, training meant you made it to the next round.

You’d still have to prove yourself and they over accept people into training knowing they were going to weed it down to the faithfully tried and true, few.

Since the radio station was in the same building as a few of my classes and located right near an exit door, my friend and I would walk past it, almost daily to see if they’d posted the list of those who’d been accepted to training.

Day after day…nothing, until finally! They posted!

We both went to look for our names.

I didn’t make the cut.

My friend did.

She attempted to comfort me through her own personal excitement. This didn’t feel like the rejection from the choir, this time, I was devestated. I immediately started thinking of ways to work around their process so I could just get in the door for training.

My friend kept me in the loop on her training schedule so I knew when training was starting. I decided my first course of action would be to show up and talk to Rob. Maybe he’d change his mind if I stopped by. Most people would probably just let it go if they didn’t get picked.

I went by his office a couple days before training and reintroduced myself asking if it were possible I start training because I really wanted to be a part.

He told me no.

A couple weeks go by, I’m still getting reports from my friend about how training is going. My desire to join the team wouldn’t let up. I wanted to be a part of this so bad.

I decided to go by Rob’s office again. Hoping this time his answer would be different. Maybe they’ve let too many people go or maybe he’ll think of something else I could do around the station.

I show up to talk to him and this time I broaden my options from “can I train?” To “can I do anything?”

His answer remained, no.

For my entire freshman year, I heard first hand reports from my friend on how things were going at the radio station as she finished training and moved on to the next phase of hosting an hour-long jazz block and then a 3-hr jazz block with her sights set on hosting a gospel show. She loved it and I knew I would too if I’d just had the chance to try.

I was struggling to find my place on campus and beginning to think college was delaying my progress in my desired field of the gospel music industry.

I can home on a break and begged my parents to let me drop out. I could do better if I just started working in my career. I didn’t need a college degree, I needed a network. I needed to get out in the real world and start meeting people and doing the work. I didn’t like college. I couldn’t find my place. I wanted to leave.

My parents told me no. I had to go back. I would adjust and I needed a degree.

I finished my freshman year and things were somewhat better but I still wasn’t in love with the place.

I decided to fast track this thing.

Since my parents were going to make me get this degree, I could at least do everything I could to get it faster.

I started college with 12hrs of college credit due to my high school’s college prep curriculum. So I was already a semester ahead. I decided to take summer classes and also test out of a class or two so I could finish even earlier.

That summer, I stayed on campus and it was slow and boring. Most students opted to leave for the summer so there was a very small portion of us who opted for summer school.

Since I had so much time on my hand, I decided to go by the radio station to see if Rob’s answer would change since it was summer now. Surely he needs help now! Ain’t nobody here!

I went by his office and introduced myself again. “I was wondering if it’s possible I could help during the summer since I’m here taking classes?”

He finally said yes!

From there, I received my own private training. I skipped the pressured, elimination-driven process all the other students had endured. I was trained and given a jazz show over the summer. I loved being there. Connecting with the three actual adults who worked at the station, Rob Dixon, Kevin “The Moose” Anderson, and Al Delk was life changing.

They taught me so much about the art of radio. They introduced me to jazz, which I knew nothing about. They schooled me on genres and artists I never knew existed like Pieces of a Dream, Eric Roberson, J.Dilla, Dwele…my world grew leaps and bounds because of their influence.

Throughout the summer Rob would test my taste and knowledge of gospel music. Seeing if I actually knew good music when I heard it. I think we agreed as much as we debated, but in the end, I earned his respect and trust.

After my summer of private training, gospel music debates, and jazz shows, Rob offered me a gospel slot when the school year started. It wasn’t his coveted morning gospel show (my friend got to join him for that one), but he did offer me the last block of the gospel format which was 10a-1p, right after his morning show.

I was hype!!

The Progression

Midway through the fall semester of my sophomore year, Rob offered me a director position. Not just any director position, the director position he was holding onto and doing himself because he loved the genre so much…he offered me the position of Gospel Music Director.

As Gospel Music Director, I would be responsible for determining what songs were put into rotation and how often they would play. I was also responsible to reporting these plays to the different labels and radio promotions personnel the label’s hired to get their artists played on radio.

This was my first real entry point into the career of my dreams! I was emailing and talking to people who would one day be my colleuges! They were starting to know my name and I was living the dream.

One of the people Rob brought into my life through the radio station is my big sister and Rob’s former classmate, fellow Hampton Alumn, Eboni Funderburk. Eboni does radio promotions for gospel artists and she brought some artists to town, they stopped by the station, I interviewed them on my show. Later that evening, they had a promotional event with press from around the city. WHOV had a table and Rob invited some of the Gospel Music staff to attended.

I asked Eboni every question I could think of that night and ended by asking her for her contact info. She gave me her card and I kept in touch, writing her a thank you note for taking the time to speak to me for so long at an event she organized. Over time Eboni and I formed a for real sisterhood, I even lived with her in Nashville a couple years after I graduated Hampton as I was trying to get my career going in the industry. Rob gave me a sister for life in Eboni.

By the end of my first semester sophmore year, the radio station became my home. If I wasn’t in class or in my dorm, I was there, whether it was gospel hours or not, I just loved it in there. I felt safe there. I belonged there. I’d found my tribe and I was on track with my dream of working in the gospel music industry.

All of us students felt it, each year as people graduated, if ever they were in town or came back from homecoming, everyone would always come by the station. And when I say “come by,” I don’t mean pop-in for quick hellos. Everyone would come back and stay awhile. We all felt at home there, largely because of the tone and atmosphere Rob set.

Now, let me be clear about Rob for a moment. Rob was not an affectionate, endearing, hospititable type Station Manager. Rob was loud! He was loud in his opinion, he was loud about his processes and he was loud about his standards. He would argue us down with passion and he would be so frustrated with us at times, but he kept letting us try. He would get onto us if we missed playing a paid spot (commercial) or didn’t play the legal id (required by law), but he always gave us another chance. It was safe because forgiveness always abounded. It was love because arguments and differing opinions were always welcomed. It was home because there was no pretense or “putting on” required. Everyone was and everyone could just “be” and that’s because Rob made it that way. It was healthy, collaborative, fun, safe and loud! Always loud :)

After being Gospel Music Director and an on-air personality for my sophomore through junior years, there was only one more level I could take to further my opportunity at the radio station…Student Director.

Student Director was the only paid position available for students and there was only one Student Director chosen every year. It was not an easy position to come by. The Student Director was the right hand to Rob, our Station Manager. They helped oversee the entire staff and programming. They led meetings and helped keep everyone in line and on top of things.

Autumn was the Student Director my sophomore and junior years and she ran the station like a boss. She and I grew to have our own bond and I looked up to her so much. She really started low-key grooming me for her role during my sophomore year, her junior year; and by her senior year (my junior year), she told me she was going to suggest me to Rob for the position.

The only way to get the role is to be picked by Rob and the Student Director after proving yourself. At the end of first semester junior year, Rob offered me the most desired student position at the radio station.

I was shocked. I was honored. I was conflicted.

While on one hand, the radio station was the thing I loved the most about my whole college experience, on the other hand, I’d positioned myself and I was on track to graduate early. I couldn’t accept the Student Director role and graduate early. It required a full year-long commitment.

Over Christmas Break I vacillated between my options of graduating early or accepting the position.

It was one of the hardest decisions I’d made up until that point.

I returned after break with a deadline to give them an answer because if I said “no,” they’d need to choose someone else and begin their training during the spring semester. Because I wasn’t sure and didn’t want to hold up the process, I declined the position.

To this day, 17 years later, declining that offer is my biggest regret from college.

I ended up deciding to stay for a full year my senior year, even though I barely needed enough credits to fill a full semester. I ended up being a part time student both semesters senior year and remained in my roles as Gospel Music Director and on-air personality.

Every now then Rob would comment or Autumn would hit me up expressing their disappointment in me not taking the role. I felt the disappointment myself, more than they knew.

HE’S GONE

The moment I learned Rob was gone, I immediately responded, “Noooo!!”

I had just looked at his Facebook page last week!

He was just here, playing with his boys. Mourning the loss of James Earl Jones and Tito Jackson.

Was this true?

I never told him how much he shaped me and my life.

I never gave him a proper thank you.

I never even considered how loosing him would feel.

I just thought I’d see him at the next homecoming I made it to, hopefully next year.

Now, I don’t even know if I want to go back.
Tears started rolling.

He was right there all these years and I never engaged.

Working alongside him and with my WHOV family is still one of the highlights of my life and I treated it all casually after graduating.

I went back from homecoming the year after I graduated, 2008, that’s the last time I saw Rob. We have a photo together from that time.

He let me back on air for a special alumni show.

I spent a lot of my time at the station during that visit back at my Home By the Sea.

WHOV was home.

Rob was eventually replaced with a new Station Manager. All the equipment and tools I was trained on was replaced with newer digital tech. The radio station was no longer the same format with all the varieties it once was…it became an entirely jazz station. I’m not sure what the format is today, but I do know what Rob shaped that station into was something special.

All of us who had the privilege of being a part of WHOV in those days have a special bond for life, no doubt. We don’t all talk regularly, but I know for sure not an ounce of love has been lost between us because of the time and space distancing us, I hope to find healing and sweet memories as we all start to reach out and find each other to share in this grief. I know I need them right now. I’m sure we all need each other.

Pray for Robert’s wife and sons, his closest friends and family, whose grief will forever far exceed ours.

I’m grateful for the deep, lasting imprint he left on my life. I’m grateful for the time he invested into me. I’m thankful for the challenges he set before me and for the opportunities he gave me.

Thank you so much, Rob.

I’m so sorry I never told you all of this while you were here.

My life is forever marked by your investment in me.

You discipled me and so many others.

Your life wasn’t wasted, by far.

Enjoy your reward.