Me @ 40: Lay It Down
For the 19th year in a row, I started my birthday off nearly the exact same way.
I wake up early…close my eyes…pray…sit in quiet…listen…open up my laptop…stare at a blank page…take a deep breath…and write.
The words on these pages are never premeditated. In fact, no matter what, I never even let myself write the words the night before. I have to go to sleep first (even if it’s at midnight like last night) and wake up to write with a fresh mind.
This particular year, I’m up the earliest I’ve ever written. I first opened my eyes at 4:59am. I knew it was the time I needed to get up if I wanted to write this before heading to do a 7am live with my dear friend and birthday twin, Chrystal.
I saw the time then attempted to let myself sleep a few more minutes, but literally 10minutes later, my youngest came in our bedroom saying I didn’t hug and kiss him last night.
I didn’t even get mad at his early morning intrusion because this time I knew God was making sure that in the fullness of the schedule of my day, I didn’t miss my window to have this moment of reflection.
So here we go…
What’s Your Hang Up?
Have you ever lived with a thing so long, you stop even noticing it’s there?
Maybe it’s those coffee mugs in the back of a cabinet you haven’t moved in years. The ones that used to be your go-to’s but now their coffee stains have made them less desirable.
Or perhaps it’s a piece of wall art that’s been up so long, you no longer stop and admire it. You know, the one you spent hours picking out, days considering whether or not you’d keep it, then weeks telling folks how you finally found a piece that works perfectly for that spot you were trying to figure out.
It could even be a scar on your body, one that’s so old, it’s basically become a birthmark. The story of its origin is no longer being told and the details of how it even got there have become somewhat hazy. You now bathe and rub lotion over it without a single thought about how its healing or its past sensitivities.
As I’m entering this new decade of 40—first of all, howwwwww did we get here?!?
Sigh. Where’s the support group?
Cause ya’ll I really feel like an adult for the first time and I’m still processing how to feel about it.
I’m so 40, I broke up two teenagers kissing at the trampoline park last week.
I’m so 40, I told two teenage girls to be quiet in church yesterday.
I’m so 40, I cancelled plans for a birthday trip to stay home and save money.
Send help!
Ok, back to the point…
As I’m entering this new decade of 40, I see the tangled webs of past traumas and cemented habits slowing me down.
I can literally feel the hindrances of the hidden things hanging me up.
They are keeping me stuck.
Limited.
Underdeveloped.
Less effective.
Distracted.
Afraid.
For years, I have lived with these hang ups, ignoring their existence. I treated them like those forgotten mugs, that ignored picture, that overlooked scar.
They are just a part of me.
These feelings are normal.
This is evidence of my humanity.
These are my weaknesses that make me dependent on Jesus.
The thorns in my flesh the Bible talks about, right?
Right?!
…
Wrong.
Stripping Off Everything Unnecessary
The past couple months have felt like a breaking of some stony ground that I’ve held too tightly— some for years, some for decades.
My life has quieted down enough for me to feel and recognize the tensions and stress I’ve carried for years.
I’ve read books, dialogued in my book club community, gone to therapy, and spent time asking questions and listening to God and slowly I began to see for the first time, mindsets, hindrances, and habits I’ve become accustomed to lugging along in life. They are becoming more visible as unnecessary weights and sins that need to be thrown out.
As I’m writing, this scripture comes to mind:
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. -Hebrews 12:1-2
Hebrews is my FAVORITE book of the Bible. Truth be told, I barely know what half of it means and one verse could take a lifetime to comprehend, but something about it anchors me in hope (Heb. 6:19).
Something about it sheds light into the hidden crevices of my heart and mind.
It slows me down to notice.
It opens my heart to believe there is a better way, a greater hope, a freedom I’ve not yet known.
It also shows me the way to it and Hebrews 12:1-2 lays out the ultimate strategy.
I’m not gonna dissect and preach this thing cause it’s time for me to head to Chrystal’s now…and it’d take up the rest of my birthday to really dig into it all, but I’ll end with this:
Freedom is Possible
Freedom from the weights and sins that beset us is possible.
We are not called to be slaves to our pasts, our traumas, our disappointments and habits.
There is so much work to do in this world. Unhindered, effective believers in Jesus Christ are a direct threat to the work of confusion and oppression the enemy is doing in the hearts and minds of people today.
We cannot afford to be so caught up and entangled with our own weights that we spend years moving slower than we’re supposed to and being less effective than we’re supposed to be.
Our weights and sins leave us spent— with less capacity for others than we should have.
The more free we are, the more freely we can give.
Our time and energy is no longer spent combating our own weights, but instead we find more grace and capacity to serve and see others.
Experiencing new levels of personal freedom for collective gain— that is my hope for this next year, and decade.
I know this was my annual birthday reflection post, but I hope in my sharing you feel permission to begin noticing what you’ve been carrying. And that you feel empowered to make the decision to lay some things down.
Check out my previous birthday posts:
Me @ 34: Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop
Me @ 33: New Things Poppin’, Old Things Stoppin’
Happy birthday Kandis! I can’t say I’ve read or followed every one of your bday blogs, but this one for some odd reason (that is being slowly revealed at 5:42am) stood out to me. I have been truly struggling with laying down - laying aside the weights especially in waiting! I will be closer to 50 this year and would love for my life to look different. However, it could but I have to lay aside these ancient weights, habits, mindsets that I have been carrying for years. I lay them down one day or even one week, and just like that I pick them up again. It feels attached. But God I know loves me and is helping me to work through the pride of carrying what I must leave at the feet of Jesus. So I will say this… thank you. This post and your obedience to write this has been for me another wake up call and another chance to lay aside the weights that have been my crutch to truly having the life the father desires for me to have. It’s confirmation…again. Happy 40th! Enjoy the gifts He presents to you today! Bless you.
I love reading your reflections each year. I’m gonna sit with this question and do my own reflecting: “Have you ever lived with a thing so long, you stop even noticing it’s there?” I immediately thought about my own scars and habits that have become so engrained and part of me that I may not have questioned or considered. Thanks for sharing each year and happy birthday!! Such a blessing to see 40 years of life.