Trading Your Triggers
4 Ways to Overcome the Pain of Hurt, Loss, and Disappointment
Originally Written: 9/25 & 27/2023, Never published before now.
Had I Burger King'd this life and had it my way, I'd be 3 kids deep with a 4th on the way. Annnd I'd have a plan for the timing of our 5th.
Fertility was never an issue for Dex and me. I never knew the pain of seeing other women pregnant with their miracles, while longing for my own.
I never felt the hurt of cleaning out a closet of items for a child who I'd planned for but would never hold.
I never faced the disappointment of meeting with a fertility doctor to discuss options and possibilities. Never had my blood tested to determine how many viable eggs I had left.
None of these things were even remotely close to my experience, until I discovered there was cancer in my body.
The first two doctors my surgeon sent me to meet with were a fertility doctor and a plastic surgeon.
My head was literally spinning, not just from the whirlwind of information regarding the cancer, but also from the rippling implications of what this meant for my future, our family's future. The aftershock was unexpected...crippling...devastating.
Over the next few months Dex and I had to make half-explored, but fully permanent decisions regarding my life and our family:
Do we want to freeze eggs?
Do we want to freeze embryos?
Do we want to try IVF later?
Do we want to have a surrogate?
Do I get a lumpectomy or mastectomy?
If a mastectomy, should I get implants?
If lumpectomy, should I get a lift on the unaffected side while I'm in surgery?
There was an entire list of crucial, permanent life decisions we had to make while processing the most disorienting news of our lives.
We made the decisions one-by-one, some faster than others, but each carried it's own wrestle and pain. And best believe each came with a caveat and a cost.
These weren't, "you want Skittles or Starbursts?" type decisions. That would've been nice. No, these were "pick your poison" type decisions.
As we landed on each one, we learned to find peace and gratitude regarding most of them. Lots of, "well at least..." and "thankfully..." statements were said in those days.
But out of them all, the primary one I struggled to find peace with was the decision surrounding our possible future children.
Medical professionals, friends and family alike, would ignorantly say, "well, at least you have two healthy, beautiful children." All true, but that doesn't lessen the depth of the disappointment.
My children are beautiful and lovely, yes. But God's grace and my love for them, gave me the heart and capacity to desire more. From the moment Dex and I started planning a future together, having five children was a dream I carried.
I had to mourn the fact that the likelihood of us being a family of seven was quickly slipping out of our reach.
The acceptance of this reality brought along it's own implications and new realities:
My last pregnancy very well may have been my last pregnancy. I didn't treat it as such.
The baby clothes I'd saved for "our next baby" may never be needed in this house again. I didn't need to keep them any longer.
The breast pump and breast milk bags I'd saved will likely never be used by me again.
The baby blankets our youngest had outgrown have no more purpose here.
It was time to let them go.
All of them.
I slowly began selling and giving away everything that made me think of our future baby(ies). The bassinet, the Doona stroller, the pack-n-play, the clothes, the double stroller, and most recently, the breast pump.
It hurt too much to keep them. They had become triggers.
But those were the triggers I could control. The ones I could get away from and send off to the next happy family.
I didn't realize getting rid of the items wouldn't be enough.
All of a sudden there were pregnant women and newborn babies everywhere I went.
I mean everywhere.
Dropping off and picking the boys up at school became a trigger.
Going to church became a trigger.
Seeing pregnant women in a grocery store or on IG became a trigger.
And celebrating with expectant friends was harder than I'd like to admit.
As I navigated my own journey, I couldn't help but think of women I knew who'd already gone through this same conflicting ordeal due to fertility issues, miscarriages, stillborn births and more. Many of whom are STILL navigating those pains.
I was so ignorant. In many ways I'm still very ignorant. But my empathy has grown because I've tasted and seen that pain. And that pain created triggers.
There's so much information available regarding identifying and avoiding our triggers, but not much shared about overcoming them.
What does one do when a trigger literally can't be avoided?
I will not be able to avoid the triggers of seeing a pregnant woman or a mother with her baby. That's just not realistic at all.
I want to fully rejoice when my friends have babies or are blessed to raise a house full of children.
I want to celebrate the gain of another without accounting for the loss of my own.
Their pregnancy is not about me.
Their baby is not about me.
Their family is not about me.
They should not be a trigger to me.
So I started to wonder, how can I trade my triggers and what can I even trade them for?
Trust.
The counterbalance to triggers is trust. Trust is a stabilizer.
So here I am, learning to trade my triggers for trust.
Now I know some triggers are harder to overcome than others, but this is for anyone who is tired of your triggers and ready to figure out, not necessarily a life without them...cause the gun may still be around, but a life without the thing being loaded.
We absolutely can learn to live with our triggers disarmed. These four things are helping me:
1. Resting in God's Sovereignty
There is a peace that comes with knowing there is no such thing as coincidence. What we often call coincidence, is actually God's providence. His divinely orchestrated will, coming to pass. Our God is the supreme sovereign, creator and ruler of all things...ALL things.
Learning to rest in His headship is a wrestle mankind has been dealing with since the beginning of time. And if you check the historical records, anytime a person has tried to rule things apart from God, it never turned out well in the long run and often times, even in the short run.
We have limitations, He doesn't.
We have shortcomings, He doesn't.
We have finite perspectives, He doesn't.
We operate in time, He doesn't.
We think we know what's best, He actually is what's best.
This list could go on and on, but in summary, when you are tempted to flex your limited rationale against his supreme sovereignty, remember, "His thoughts are not our thoughts and His ways are not our ways," really ought to be the starting point when trying to make sense of the uncontrollable, disappointing situations in our lives. (Isaiah 55:8)
Between Isaiah 55:8 and the fact, "[Our] adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour," we should have all the "understanding" we need. (1 Peter 5:8)
In the midsts of every circumstance, there is an enemy at work in the earth and a God who knows all and can see the end from the beginning.
And when I say "every circumstance," I literally mean every single one. Big or small, hard or easy.
"For his eyes are on the ways of a man, and he sees all his steps.” Job 34:21
“For a man’s ways are before the eyes of the Lord, and he ponders all his paths.” Proverbs 5:21
“The eyes of the Lord are in every place, keeping watch on the evil and the good.” Proverbs 15:3
We must choose to rest in the sovereignty of God, accepting and acknowledging that we don't have full understanding. We couldn't even handle full understanding if we tried. We are limited. Finite. Our comprehension compared to the all-knowing, all-seeing sovereign God, is sub-par, at best.
When we choose to believe, despite our perspectives, circumstances, and reasoning, that all of these things are still true; and as we submit to His will, trusting His sovereignty— we can begin to find peace in the midst of our triggers.
2. Believing God's Plans are Good
Belief is a decision. It's not a feeling. It's not an action. It's a decision that overrides our feelings. It is a decision that informs our actions.
In the decision to accept these hurts, losses and disappointments as being allowed by God's sovereignty, we also have to wrestle with the question, "If He is good, why would He allow this?" "Is this really His will for my life?"
It can often seem like what we're experiencing is contradictory to the good nature of God we often hear about in songs and sermons. We associate "good" with other words like "easy, happy, blessing, protection, etc." But could it be our understanding of "good" is narrow?
If our conclusions about our circumstances land us anywhere but at the goodness of God, it must also be determined that somewhere along the equation of our conclusion, there lies a fallacy. - Jackie Hill Perry
“For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.” -1 Corinthians 13:12 ESV
We have to trust that when He says in Romans 8:28, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose,” He means just that.
When we read scriptures like Psalm 154:9,
“The Lord is good to all, and his mercy is over all that he has made.”
Or Psalm 100:5
“For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.”
Or 1 Timothy 4:4 “For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving,”
And of course, everybody's favorite, posted on t-shirts, mugs and billboards alike, Jeremiah 29:11,
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
When we choose to believe, despite our perspectives, circumstances, and reasoning, that all of these things are still true; and as we submit to His will, trusting His goodness— we can begin to find peace in the midst of our triggers.
3. Investing in What’s In My Hands
Redirecting my thoughts to the reality of my circumstances is sobering and necessary. If we avoid what’s real, we’d be considered some form of crazy or irresponsible.
Accepting my reality isn’t a position of defeat, denial or deficit. In fact, I think it’s a position of rest and joy.
When we lock in to what’s in front of us, what we’ve been entrusted to steward, we will find contentment and gratitude.
“Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.” - 1 Peter 4:10
We have already been given a beautiful life full of gifts to cherish and cultivate. Investing in those gifts is rewarding, beneficial and truly, it’s what we’re called to do.
4. Rejoicing with Others
Perhaps the hardest of them all, could be considered this: we rejoice when others rejoice, even when we’re rejoicing about something that may be a trigger for us.
Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. - Romans 12:15
We are called to this Holy act as the body of believers. And although it may sting at first, eventually, those texts, gifts, and cards of “congratulations” will become more and more genuine.
Truly, every good and perfect gift comes from the Father above, whether the gift is yours or not.
When we can move outside of ourselves and celebrate what God is doing for others, we are well on our way to living a life less triggered by our past hurts, traumas, and circumstances.
It will take time.
It will take practice.
But it is possible for me and for you.